WHAT IS THIS STRANGE FEELING I AM EXPERIENCING DURING COVID?
These days of being stuck at home, upended routines, and isolation have produced an inner state which seems foreign to us. We have more time in which to pursue our interests, but we find ourselves drawn to the sofa, gazing out of the window, or listlessly wandering the confines of our home. Many creatives mourn the lack of inspiration and the very real presence of writer’s block. There seems to be a pandemic of an inability to concentrate which came along with the arrival of Covid-19.
As a writer, I have experienced waves of inertia and what seems like brain fog - unable to string words and sentences together in any meaningful way. At times there has been an underlying current of anxiety coursing through my veins, an unfamiliar and uncomfortable feeling.
Some of us have lapsed into lethargy over these months, perhaps wanting to tackle some of the projects on our to-do list, but never finally getting to them. We wish we were anywhere but where we find ourselves and often would rather have people other than the ones we have spending time in this space with us. Everything feels boring, stagnant, not worthy of any effort.
Counsellors often say the beginning of overcoming a negative or harmful behavior is to name it. First, we recognize what it is we are up against, and only then will we be able to formulate a plan to overcome it.
IDENTIFY THE CULPRIT
We have become like hermits or cloistered monks or nuns – confined to our spaces for long periods of time, and we seem to be suffering what the ancient monastics identified as acedia, one of the seven deadly sins. Some lists of these sins call it sloth, but that does not fully express the varying manifestations of this particular vice. At its root Acedia means the absence of care. It includes aspects of laziness, melancholy, indifference, boredom and despair. It can be described as a profound withdrawal into self which results in a refusal to be involved with others and with God. The arrival of the pandemic and our forced isolation has indeed pushed us in this direction. (We may all be experiencing aspects of this vice, but it is of particular struggle for the Enneagram Nines.)
This lack of care was perfectly expressed by a woman I know. During the height of the protests over police brutality and racism in America, she insisted that she needed to shield herself from it all. She wanted to live without a care in the world, in her safe, placid bubble. While the news can be overwhelming at times, to completely wall ourselves off from the suffering of others is one way that acedia shows itself.
On the other extreme, acedia can mask itself in busyness and workaholism. We have all heard stories of those that are purging their entire homes, perfecting sourdough bread, and delivering groceries to the compromised in their neighborhoods. While these are good and worthy things, what they often do is distract us from looking inward, to help us avoid learning from the pain.
In whatever form acedia comes in, its aim is to keep us from going deep. It keeps us living in the shallows, fearful of what the call of love for God and others would demand from us. It insinuates that what is required is too much, we are not up for it.
WHAT WE CAN DO
We have been given this unique opportunity for time to be still, to stay in place, to be with our people. The choice is ours whether we will engage in the hard places of this season, go deeper within ourselves, to examine our lives and reorder our loves as Augustine would say. Or will we continue this dance of distraction and avoidance?
PRACTISE MINDFULNESS
One of the ways we combat the vice of acedia is to practise mindfulness. Instead of daydreaming or our way through the day, we learn to pay attention to all that is before us. Instead of looking over at the green grass on the other side of the fence, we look closely at what is right in front of us. Instead of running from the ways we are called to love those within our reach, we notice and embrace them.
When we are paying attention to those in our household, we see their disappointments, pain, and losses, their joys and successes. We chose to wade into these places with love as our guide. We take a risk to love and find deeper and more life-giving relationships as a result.
Paying attention also applies to our own emotions. Instead of stuffing them down and shaming ourselves for our apathy and lethargy, we can acknowledge and grieve and express them fully in God’s presence.
The Psalms are a help in this. They are messy, earthy, and real. They free us from the restraints we have allowed on our expression to God. This ancient poetry encourages us to lament, rage against wrong, and then turn back to recognize God as our refuge, our sustainer, and provider. When I feel like the challenges of these days are too much for me, I am reminded that they are not too much for God. I can trust Him to be my rock, shelter, and hiding place. Through the practise of praying the Psalms, our hope can be re-ignited.
NOTICE BEAUTY
During these past months of navigating life with Covid-19 I have found that through noticing the beauty of my surroundings, I have also found hope and a cure for my listlessness. I developed a practise of searching for beauty, documenting it in photographs and noticing daily how I am surrounded by the goodness of God’s creativity. I start to care more. Everyday I search for signs of the Divine, and I find them. Nothing has changed in my circumstances but I begin to take my eyes off myself and place my hope in God who has given me daily reminders of His involvement in my life.
MAKE A PLAN
Making lists and being intentional with what we give our time to can also be a helpful way to get out of the acedia fog. Taking time to discern what is needed right now, and making a plan to work toward that moves us out of apathy and lethargy and also out of frantic, thoughtless busyness.
As we head into a season which will require even more of us, let’s lean into what God is calling us to do in this moment, with our people, in the place we find ourselves. In the words of one of my favorite authors, Emily P. Freeman, may we simply “do the next right thing in love”.
FURTHER READING: This article from the New York Times refers to what they call languishing, which may be the modern day word for Acedia.
Photo credit - Kyle Broad, Caleb George, Ryan Stone (thumbnail)